Losing It…

One of the things that most young people are concerned and anxious about is losing their virginity. We make such a big deal about it –

I was once asked by a young man in an assembly, in front of his whole year group – one of the best questions I have ever been asked:

“When do you become a virgin…?”

Naturally everyone laughed, thinking he didn’t get it – but he was actually making a really important point, as he went on to explain. His point was: when does it suddenly matter that you are a virgin…

I think the answer is as soon as you cross the gates into high school. Suddenly everyone is interested in whether  you have done it or not and making judgements on what the answer might be. Does it make you grown up or still just a kid – does this highlight your manliness or make you a slut…?

The fact is, there is a huge worry amongst young people about losing their virginity and how will they know when they are ready…

So here is a list I have complied over time that i find useful to use with young people as some thoughts to consider….

But what does losing your virginity mean… is it a physical thing or a metaphorical thing?

Young people often refer to it as popping your cherry – obviously in homage to the notion of girl’s bleeding the first time they have sex due to the breaking of the Hyman… trouble is this is all nonsense. Women do not bleed from breaking the Hyman… the Hyman is not intact anyway…

Think about it, if a woman had a thin skin-like membrane covering the vaginal opening… how would her menstrual blood escape every month? The reason it escapes is that the Hyman, will have disintegrated in early infancy, leaving only the remains of the membrane, which you can see – but certainly doesn’t need to be broken.

No, the reason some women bleed the first time they have sex and also why it is often painful as well has nothing to do with the Hyman – instead it is more about sexual responses rather than popping anything…

You see as a girl gets turned on her vagina moistens with extra vaginal fluid which acts as a lubricant… again – most people are aware that girls get wet when they get turned on – kind of like what happens to your mouth when you start thinking about food…

But at the same time, the circular muscles in her vagina relax and open up… (I know some guys boast about their ‘Mrs being tight’ or girls having bucket fannies – but they are merely showing their ignorance – what they are essentially saying is that when they have sex with their partner she isn’t turned on…!). Obviously, most people are a little nervous the first time they have sex – coupled with the likely fact that they and their partner are usually inexperienced and kind of making things up as they go along too… as a result, they often rush – desperate to lose their virginity rather than enjoying the build up – ensuring they are both comfortable and ready…

This leads to the main issue of those circular muscles we mentioned being not properly relaxed as they tense up due to feeling anxious… and this is why sex can be sore…rather than it having anything to do with the Hymen.

Unfortunately, the Hyman myth still prevails – to the point that in the US you can actually have plastic surgery to ‘repair’ the Hymen and restore virginity.

In truth, your virginity is actually a metaphorical thing – it is the label we like to use to identify if someone has had sex. All the other nonsense about Hymens and purity in reality mean nothing. As we have already discussed – what sex means to different people is a value that is up to them to assess… no one else. Therefore your virginity is also something only you get to decide if you have lost or not.

Click here for the Losing it check list

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